该走却想停留住的相遇点

Nothing is everlasting. 不知不觉我们分隔了有4个月，也没有再听到对方的消息了，仿佛已消失人间。有多少个人真正能够分辨爱与喜欢。以前的我一直告诉我自己我多么的爱他，后来发现其实我只是喜欢他，仰慕他而已，而不是所谓的爱。有朋友告诉我：喜欢是轻松愉快的，而爱是痛苦、沉重、撕心裂肺的。或许每个人的答案都不会相同。喜欢，可以心动。而爱，一定会心痛。喜欢，可以舍得。但爱， 一定舍不得。喜欢一个人，爱一个人，他落泪你就会跟着他一起落泪。而喜欢一个人，他落泪你只不过会安慰。喜欢是可以变成爱的，但如果你一旦爱了就说不出喜欢。喜欢与责任无关，爱一定要负责任。

当我喜欢上一个人，莫名的被他吸引，迷恋他，很享受在一起的感觉。见到他会怦然心动、心跳加速、手足无措。其实，这些都是生理上的反应，是多巴胺等等在作怪，这还远远谈不上是爱。约会结束之后，我会陷入甜蜜的回忆，并盼望下次再见，但仅此而已。

当我爱一个人的时候，还会不由自主的关心他的安危、操心他的生活、担心他过得好不好。看到他高兴，我就高兴。看到他忧郁，看到他高兴，我就高兴。看到他忧郁，恨不得替他承受。爱，会激发我们潜在的父性或母性。我可以同时喜欢几个人，但真正心疼的只有一个。

“爱无条件”是我从他身上领悟到自己缺乏的一种付出。这种付出也联系到一般情侣常会称呼他们的另外一半为“灵魂伴侣”。当时的我一直告诉自己，他会是我的灵魂伴侣，所有的优点和缺点我都能够接受，尽量对他好，付出我的全世界给他。所谓“对你好”，是一个自己可以给予自己力量和快乐的人，把自己的经验和知识无条件的传递给另外一个人，帮助对方也成为一个自强独立、有爱、有精神力量，并且不受外界事物变化而情绪动荡的人，这种行为才是真正的“对你好”。这种好，是很冒险和苦涩的，因为一般人难以接受。同时，这种好，对他自己的内涵修养要求极高，一般人做不到这样“对人好” ，但我做得到。

一个人，自己有丰富的知识、经验和修养，可以排解自己内心的各种负面情绪，自己可以过好自己的生活，并不需要他人为他做什么。他不需要别人关心他的衣食住行，他自己都可以打理好，他甚至都不需要一个人陪聊天，更不用说一个人在他身边让他快乐，不用，他什么都不用，他自己就很好。

然后有一天，他遇到一个人，这个人就像曾经的他自己，固执、自负、自卑、困惑、痛苦、无助、孤独、内心饱受煎熬，而且这个人很想努力的从泥潭中爬出来，不断寻找自己的问题。

这个时候，他把自己的知识和经验无条件的分享给对方，关注对方的心智成熟，使对方也变得像他一样成熟，可以靠自己很好处理各种负面情绪，并且也学会去分享自己的知识和经验。然后这样的两个人在一起，一起进步，一起自省，一起变得更成熟……

如果，人生中，能遇到这样一个有能力给予爱的人，而且他又愿意用这样的方式来爱你，那该有多么幸运和幸福！可是，如果你是一个拒绝成长、目光短浅的人，就算遇到这样的人，你不仅不会珍惜，还可能会生气的离开。因为，不断被别人揭开自己的缺点，并不是一件舒服的事情。你不知道，成长的过程本来就免不了阵痛。 

要知道，这种脱离了世俗琐碎和物质牵绊的爱，更能让心灵得到滋养，促成一个人内在的成长和成熟！这恐怕就是所谓“灵魂伴侣”的稀缺和可贵之处吧。 

我们天生就会喜欢，喜欢了会想要去占有、索取，这近乎本能。

而爱相对理性，是一个人有意识的通过自我反观和修炼，超越本能的狭隘，以获得更大的精神上的愉悦。 

真正的爱，可以做到不一定非要拥有你、得到你、占有你。我只是爱你，不需要你回报我什么，你活得健康快乐就好。 

爱是一个人精神力量的体现，也是一种需要学习的能力。并不是人人都真正具备爱的能力。许多人，终其一生，都不知道自己到底有没有被真正爱过。也不知道怎么真正的去爱别人。

分隔了四个月，我也完全放下他了。我不后悔失去他，因为旧的不去，新的不来。我现在也喜欢上了一个人，同时也享受着被爱的感觉。可是没有一段感情是完美的。我们也只认识了有4个月了，暂时都很甜蜜。我以前以为我和上一任的化学作用很搭配，可是这一次的搭配就如atom bond 拥有8粒electron的那么稳重。我们几乎每个晚上睡前都会谈天。X后都会为对方穿衣服裤子。听的音乐和穿着都相似。最让我感动是他切澄会把皮切掉才给我吃。性格方面呢，起初认识他觉得他带有别的目的认识我。后来慢慢的开始了解他，看到他是个不自私自利，而且脚踏实地的君子。当初认识他也是因为刚分手，和他谈心事。可是后来知道他正在承担着比我重100倍的压力，可是却隐瞒起来，我当时觉得这个人很伟大，自己身体衰弱却还会为一个陌生人感到担忧。这点让我十分佩服他，觉得他的思想很成熟。

他是我目前最完美的“灵魂伴侣”，可是很可惜，我无法拥有他，因为他已经是属于别人了。虽然如此，我还是很开心和他过日子，尤其现在马来西亚的封城情况，能够与喜欢的人一起居住，一起吃饭，已经很幸福了。虽然他不属于我，但他的关怀与爱护让我很想尽我能力的去照顾他，和他过接下来的日子。 

不知道这段完美的“感情”会为此多久，最后也许我会受伤。但能够在这交叉点相遇认识到他，已经是我的荣幸了。我想暂停脚步，享受当下。何时要起步离开这相遇点或者一起走下去人生的道路我还不知道，但我会给自己一个打算，也许有一天大家会各走各路，因为nothing is everlasting. 

（完）

~2014~

再过10分钟，我们就要和2013道别了，欢饮2014的到来。

在2013年里，的确发生了很多我不曾想象会发生的事。其中包括能够参与学校的乐队，也包括和朋友吵架反面。

前几天已经打算要计划下明年该达到的事，还有反省下自己的缺点，纠正自己的态度。可是到了31日11点，我都还没去计划。

好了，我在此祝我的博客“粉丝们”新年快乐！希望2014将会是一个更好的一年！

失去了的好友

就算我们真的不再是朋友，我希望你知道，做人，尤其是男子，千万不可太敏感。若你能够把一个人当成你好友，你就得知道他/她本人的性格。笑话和真心话你应该分得清楚。如果连开个玩笑你都把他当真，那这段友情真的太无趣了。

我因为不想要你们误会才把事情说出来，为什么你总是觉得任何你说过的东西都一定要隐藏起来呢？说了出来大家无需再误会，那不是更好吗？

你说我得听别人对我的意见，那你自己有做到吗？别人和你说过一些不是很顺耳的话，做过些不是很顺眼的事，你总是要把它藏在心里，埋怨这个埋怨那个。这样你很难拥有平安的日子过。你也得知道，这世界没有东西是完美的。如果你不喜欢一个东西，或某个人，或有人得罪了你，过去就算了，何必要向全世界埋怨呢？

也许我说的一切你不赞同，我也发现你的性格，可以说是比较顽固，思想也比别人不一样。我也发现我们的想法很不一样，失去了共同话题。也难怪我们会吵起架。

世界上每一个人都会犯错事，我承认有时我也对不起你，可是你得学会放开一点，be more satisfied with what you have，宽容一点，这样你的生活才会更多姿多彩。

Take care.

大学第三年的生活

现在是8月13日，星期二，晚上十点正。

前几个月的每个星期二的这个时候，我都会在学校Block C门口走出来腰酸背痛，手上拿着一把小提琴，一起和朋友走回宿舍。

学校管弦乐已过了一个星期，可是我心里还是很想念那天晚上的感受。有时在温习功课时，心里会在哼着那天晚上的音乐，这叫人如何能够专心读书呢？可是我想，管弦乐之后我更爱上音乐了。

进入了大学第三年学位，昨天已开始考试了。虽然这是第一次考试前有一个星期时间准备，可是昨天打开卷子时，满头都是雾水。

今天的考卷比昨天更恐怖。我差点在考场上大喊一声！

本来我觉得是我对会计没什么兴趣，可是我再想想，其实是我平时不努力读书的关系，等到要考试才开书读，已太迟了。

如果这次考试有不及格，我也不会感到惊讶。以前我没有A, 都有A-,  那时foundation还告诉自己我是不可能有不及格的。现在我没有B，就有C…… 唉，能够毕业就行了。也许我对practical比theory更有兴趣。读书不再是我喜欢做的事了。

无论如何，我还是得拿个second class honour回来。还有时间成救我的成绩。加油吧！

UCSI Orchestra Aug 2013

快乐的时光总是过得比较快。还记得上一个部落格我写了我进入UCSI ochestra的audition的经验。当初每一个人对我来是都是陌生人，我视乎闯入别人的课室闹事，所以当初有种尴尬的感觉。

14个星期后，每周4.5个小时一起喝这班音乐家一起练琴，慢慢地，我也开始认识新朋友。和一群拥有同样的兴趣的朋友聊起天来比较有趣。

平时每个周二晚上7点的练习

UCSI Orchestra Concert 6/8/2013, conducted by Ms Cheryl Mah

 很快的，一小时半的演奏就这样结束了。这也许是我第一次，而且是唯一一次参加orchestra的机会。演奏完毕后，我真的感觉很开心，很感动！我学了小提琴8年，参与orchestra是我一直以来的梦想！8年后，我终于实现了！！！

Some of the orchestra members

My supporters

 真的很感谢我的朋友们及家人到现场来支持，当然还有一些无法到现场支持我的朋友，我明白你们的苦衷。谢谢你们！

My desk partner

也少不了我的desk partner, Jireh, 和我这14周里一起练习。给我‘骂’了不少，哈哈不好意系啦…… 希望你新的desk partner会对你比较好 :P

最重要还是我这位帅哥：

是他不断地鼓励我别放弃小提琴，鼓励我参与学校的orchestra, 还指导我的audition歌曲，减少错误。

Orchestra is now over and it's time to prepare for my final that starts on next Monday. 希望我还有机会上台和大家一起演奏 :D

Turning a dream into a reality

Few months back I got to know a guy from the School of Music in UCSI University. He plays the violin and he shared many things with me. He asked me not to give up my violin and motivated me to continue my violin. He even suggested me to join our university orchestra in this semester. Well, joining an orchestra is and always my dream. The chance has come to me and I would never lose this chance getting into it. I practiced day and night during my semester break few weeks back and the day has come.

The audition was set at 7pm at the recital hall and I came at around 6.45pm. I went down to the music practice room to have a quick warm up and went up to the recital hall 5 minutes before 7pm. I couldn't contact this friend of mine, and he hadn't appear yet. I started to get nervous as the hall was filling up with musicians with their instruments like horn, cello, viola and violin. I started to feel awkward being the only non music student to be in the hall. Suddenly I noticed people bringing their music stand to the hall too and I didn't bring because my friend told me it was not necessary. My mind started to blame this guy for asking me not to bring and never bother to even pick up my phone to assist me as I was so lost.

I felt like wanting to give up and I was walking alone in the corridor and suddenly the lift door opened and this guy came out.

"Thank God!" I told myself.

He was late and quickly he went into the hall asking me to follow. When I stepped back into the hall, I felt that awkward sensation again. The students were going in front of the hall sitting near the conductor as she was about to take their attendance. I felt soooo awkward and I wished I was invisible. While the conductor was taking the attendance, I quietly walked out the hall to answer a phone call from another music friend of mine. She asked me to stay calm and just go back into the hall and take a seat. I nodded to her with my mind so hair-wired and I went back into the hall.

Guess what, when I entered the hall for the third time, my friend shouted my name front the front.

 "Joe!!" And then he pointed to a seat next to him.

I noticed all the eyes were watching at me and I was so embarrassed. I had no choice but to walk down the "red carpet" to the front of the hall and sat beside him. My awkwardness + embarrass-ness had reached to the max. I didn't dare to move once my butt touched the chair. The hall was so quiet and only the conductor was speaking. She was just standing right beside me!

After she had announced the pieces that they were going to play for this semester, the orchestra players went down to have their sectional practice while around 8 of us remained in the hall for audition.

She asked us to wait outside the hall and each of us took turn to go in for audition. While waiting for my turn, I got to know these new soon-to-be orchestra players. They were all foundation first semester students and I was the only senior and also a non-music student there.

After an hour plus, it was my turn. I didn't feel nervous as I had waited so long outside and was so hungry until the butterflies died inside my stomach because it was about 9pm. She asked a bit about my background and asked me to play some scales and a piece that I had chosen, which is one of my Grade 6 exam pieces. It wasn't that awful except for the sight-reading part. It was horrible.

It was a short audition and she asked me to leave my e-mail address so that she could give me an answer on whether I could be part of the orchestra member.

I came home about 10pm and I had maggi mee for my dinner. Friends were asking about my audition but I gave them a negative respond as I thought chances of getting in for a non-music student should be low as the conductor should give priority to the music students. However, I was still keen to know the result. Suddenly I got a mail in my inbox after I refreshed my page (damn stress!)

"O.M.G!" I told myself.

I got into the orchestra! I hadn't experience such happiness for quite some time, not even getting an A+ for my exam nor getting my first pay had I been so happy. To me, this might be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to join the orchestra. I'm really grateful I got this opportunity to meet this friend. He has changed my life, making my dream to be a reality. I owe him so much and I didn't know how should I repay him.

Thank you Brace for encouraging me not to give up my violin and given me this opportunity to join this orchestra. And thank you Rachel for encouraging me not to give up at the last minute. Finally, thank you to all my friends who had given me support all these while :D

A random day during my semester break

Yesterday I attended Shell 54th Annual General Meeting at Thistle Hotel, Port Dickon. It was quite some time ago since the last time I came to Port Dickson during my first AFSA camp- Unity Camp 1.0. I didn't realize about it until I felt the place was familiar to me.

It is a 5-star hotel and I was so amazed by how friendly they treated us, the shareholders, as if we were VIPs. At entering the hotel, there were people guiding us to our parking. Upon parking our car, they have those electric golf cars to fetch us to the lobby. At the lobby, the staffs greeted us and served us a glass of juice. In other AGM, we would have to register as shareholders/proxies before allowed to enjoy the breakfast. But here in Shell, we were asked to have our breakfast first before registering.

We got some car engine oil and some TnG cards given after registering.

After our breakfast, we still had about an hour before the meeting starts, so we decided to walk around the hotel.

The view at the beach

It wasn't that "grand' as what I thought a 5-star hotel should be, but it was luxury enough and cozy as well.

This is one awesome AGM I've ever attended because in other companies' AGM, after the AGM and that's the end of it. But for Shell, they invited us to visit their oil refinery somewhere in Port Dickson. Sadly our cameras and phones were 'confiscated' because no electrical devices shall be brought into the refinery, and so I have no photos to upload. I am really grateful my dad gave me this opportunity to attend this AGM. The best part being a shareholder of Shell is that while in the bus to and from the oil refinery, there were traffic polices escorting the buses to move through the traffic. I could even hear other shareholders saying "wow we are treated like Agung!" 

Back at the hotel, I received a bad news. So bad that I previously had never expected this would happen to me. I failed two of my subjects this semester. Actually just after I sat the papers, I knew I was going to fail. I had prepared myself to accept the fact but I just couldn't believe who I am now. A student that used to get flying colours all these while getting two subjects fail at the same time now. 

I just have no idea what is wrong with me nowadays. Nobody could explain that, even myself. I just love slacking in the classroom, thinking of other stuffs during lectures, procrastinate for assignments and so on. When it comes to studying, I just couldn't pay attention on the text I'm reading. Friends giving advise not to give up because there is no one that never fails in life. This is what I usually tell my other friends who couldn't do well in their studies too, and now it's the other way round. 

Today I have got back into myself. I will take it positively and a lesson to myself. I do not care how people will look at my low CGPA, I just know I am not this kind of student, it was just a mistake I did and I'm sure I can raise it back before graduating. Good luck!!!